Make Music of our Tears

August is a very tender time of year for me. The memory of one of the saddest events of my life is keenly offset by one of the most joyful ones. On August 13, 2009, my 15-year-old brother Jason passed away after battling constant sickness for several years. Three years later to the day, I married the most beautiful person I know—my wife, Jenni.

Knowledge of the Plan of Salvation has always brought peace to my mind and heart. Yet even now, four years later, there is a small sense of sadness that I bear inside. I think that sadness can be a divine gift from God. I am reminded of a verse of what has become one of my favorite songs, Let Peace then Still the Strife:

Let Mem’ry salve as Gilead’s caressing.
And though the balm be spread,
Let tender rifts remain
That breaking hearts not yield to forgetting.

Sweet memories that I enjoyed of Jason do act as a balm. Those same memories leave rifts that help me bear in mind not only what I have lost when Jason died, but all that I stand to gain when we are reunited as a family. They help me understand the grief and pain of others. They bond me to my family and to my Heavenly Father. I think that the image of Heavenly Father weeping over the wickedness of His children in Moses 7:28–29, 32–33 is proof that grief can be divine. When we feel grief over the loss of a loved one or over the poor choices made by a loved one, we are feeling a Godly emotion. I believe that God weeps when he sees us in pain.

When my family dropped me off at the Missionary Training Center on April 2, 2008, I didn’t know that it would be the last time I’d ever see Jason. My memory from that day is very vague due to the onslaught of new sensations, routines, people, and overall change. I hugged everyone that day, but I seem to remember receiving an extra-tight hug from Jason. His hugs were always tight and his love was never masked.

Such reflections cause me to look back on that last day I ever saw Jason. Sometimes I wonder if I hugged him back tightly enough. Did Jason truly know how much I loved him? Did I show that love?

I don’t look back on that day with a strong feeling of regret. I look back on that day and feel motivation. Relationships are treasured blessings. You might even go so far as to say that a significant portion of our purpose in life is developing relationships. We are to develop a relationship with God, our spouses, our families, our friends, and even with strangers.

So when I think about that hug I gave Jason, it causes me to reflect on how I am treating that stewardship. I believe that I am better than I was on April 2, 2008. But I could be better. Much better.

On August 13, a family member left our family and on August 13 a family member joined our family. (And no, I don’t believe that Jason has truly left.) The fact that August 13 represents these two very different days of my life helps me to realize how precious life is; how precious every single moment is. I feel emboldened to rise up and be the husband, brother, father (eventually), home teacher, employee, friend, and neighbor that God desires of me. The same song I referenced earlier later exclaims:

Then sing, beloved ones,
Reach o’er a summer sea,
Pour forth thy boundless love for us living!
Sweep into ev’ry soul,
Make music of our tears,
Turn all our songs to joy and thanksgiving!
And when we silent pass,
From far across the sea
Let praises ring for life’s wond’rous blessing.

With conviction, I can say that God truly has made music of my tears, leading me to sing my own praises for “life’s wond’rous blessing.”